dancing light

my thoughts linger
where my body used to walk
I miss being a child
when the world seemed to smile

I was full of hope
when my family and I
lived in our house with a yard
grassy and covered
with little purple flowers
where I would spend hours
drinking in the weather
and running around catching butterflies
picking berries for homemade blackberry pies

my life has lost
its glitter, its shine
time seems so brittle
the present is unkind

am I weak or just lost
sometimes I break down into dust
a hollow body
eyes dripping tears
my fears fuel my time
and my mind

I must find the light
that once danced in my heart
I cannot give up.

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invisible walls

I feel as though
so many people hold back
from truly being alive
fear of embarrassment
fear of being judged by others
ego – status
so we sit in silence
crossing our legs and hiding away
in freshly ironed slacks
impressing who
I look through
hoping to find others
who want to dance in the rain
with me
get muddy
laugh and fight through
this sickening suppression
my years here grow
and I am afraid
that I will die regretting
that I let invisible walls
crush my dreams
I just want to live
a life
where I can walk down the street
as me
I know others feel this way too

raspberry beer

I tremble in my skin,
uncomfortable.
a cold heat washes over me
I can feel my teeth grind together
and the corners of my lips
drip down my face.
gravity tugs at me
so heavy, I am
cramped in a ball.
my eyes feel aged
my vision, an empty stare
where is my passion
my power, my being?
lately everything feels like
a chore
what a bore.
is this life
really my own?
I don’t think so.
will I ever feel free?

to live for

where have I been?

I sit here
beside a pile
of acrylic paint bottles
color after color
thought after thought
again and again
I look back at the past
few days, heavy sight
dripping with depression

but
today the sun shines
through my window, my
smile thaws

I hope to never again return
to the world
where my mind
tells me there is nothing left
to live for.
what a cruel and blind mind
at times.

I feel fortunate to breathe
fully today
as my panic walks elsewhere.

more time for less.

one of the mountains
that towers in my heart
and mind
is built from a lesson,
one that I have just fully
understood

if I am to complete
a task today,
I must slow down
and put in my all!

my time (an abundance of moments)
my care (warm and sweet like an embrace)
my sweat (working while focusing)

then, later in life,
I will briefly look back
smiling in admiration
versus being defeated by regret
because I will know
that in my moment,
I did all that I
possibly could have
to feed my space, my soul.

abstract gray clay

it is difficult
to dig through these thick walls
that prevent me from progressing
so I settle and
I let my digging fingers rest
as I consider a new approach

these walls symbolize
what I have yet to comprehend
an abstract gray clay
worthy of my time and effort
I must break down all complexity
word by word, letter by letter

instead of attempting to abandon
this discomfort
I must understand
what my walls are made from
so I can move on without looking back

more

the truth is
I have no idea what
I am doing
but I know that I am
the real me
I am not interested
in hiding
behind the mask that society
has to offer
if confronted I will speak
I will reveal how I feel
I would rather show my true face
than a mask made from porcelain
I am imperfect!
I have made more mistakes
than there are
stars in the sky