love of art

I see myself in an open room
full of light
dancing with moist colors
dripping through my fingers
abstract paintings
representing
the complex emotions
that stir within.

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abstract confusion

i couldn’t walk out the front door
a force stopped me
i paced and paced
i changed my shirt, at least three times
brushed my hair, pressed down my curls and frizz with sweaty palms
i’ve always been afraid of crowds
a learned behavior, perhaps genetic,
who really knows?
a doctor cannot make a true diagnosis when their only gathered information is abstract confusion.
my abstract confusion.
complex creatures, emotions like rivers.

dancing light

my thoughts linger
where my body used to walk
I miss being a child
when the world seemed to smile

I was full of hope
when my family and I
lived in our house with a yard
grassy and covered
with little purple flowers
where I would spend hours
drinking in the weather
and running around catching butterflies
picking berries for homemade blackberry pies

my life has lost
its glitter, its shine
time seems so brittle
the present is unkind

am I weak or just lost
sometimes I break down into dust
a hollow body
eyes dripping tears
my fears fuel my time
and my mind

I must find the light
that once danced in my heart
I cannot give up.

invisible walls

I feel as though
so many people hold back
from truly being alive
fear of embarrassment
fear of being judged by others
ego – status
so we sit in silence
crossing our legs and hiding away
in freshly ironed slacks
impressing who
I look through
hoping to find others
who want to dance in the rain
with me
get muddy
laugh and fight through
this sickening suppression
my years here grow
and I am afraid
that I will die regretting
that I let invisible walls
crush my dreams
I just want to live
a life
where I can walk down the street
as me
I know others feel this way too

raspberry beer

I tremble in my skin,
uncomfortable.
a cold heat washes over me
I can feel my teeth grind together
and the corners of my lips
drip down my face.
gravity tugs at me
so heavy, I am
cramped in a ball.
my eyes feel aged
my vision, an empty stare
where is my passion
my power, my being?
lately everything feels like
a chore
what a bore.
is this life
really my own?
I don’t think so.
will I ever feel free?

to live for

where have I been?

I sit here
beside a pile
of acrylic paint bottles
color after color
thought after thought
again and again
I look back at the past
few days, heavy sight
dripping with depression

but
today the sun shines
through my window, my
smile thaws

I hope to never again return
to the world
where my mind
tells me there is nothing left
to live for.
what a cruel and blind mind
at times.

I feel fortunate to breathe
fully today
as my panic walks elsewhere.