<3 Confidence

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expressin’ myself

coffee rises around my brain
trying to fill my days
with productive ways
the past two nights
i couldn’t get enough sleep
thinking of you, of me.
winter blues, gray skies
i want to migrate with
the birds, for warmer times.
full of angst, but inspiration, too
i want to shed all my weight
mental wad
mental garbage
i want to bask in white light.
my time is ticking
and i am full of contradictions
slow down, speed up
it’s fucking exhausting.
i think too much
but is it enough?
i’m hungry for more life,
i can never get it right.

Attempting to Be Me.

bubble up
my pain surfaces
pieces flake away
and memories remain,
always.
they say it can all
go away
with some effort and
some pills
but it never does,
at least for me.
i used to drink
hoping it would stay
away
but after i became sober
nightmares consumed me.
never safe
i am hoping to one day
be who i wish
the part of me that is warm
wildflowers and sunset
that’s the me
who i hope to land on
and i hope she can flourish.

—–

ingrained
my brain development
happened during traumatic times
so am i forever flawed?
time has partially been kind,
i have had days full of dancing
and grinning.
i am held at night,
is there anything else
to ask for?

meditate

he reaches out
and touches my arm
the volume on the television
is far too loud
my fingers continue to thaw
after a brief hike
and my stomach feels full
from frothy, thick cappuccino
i think about plans
but do not want to do anything
i just want to sleep
for the next few days
my energy is artificial
existing from caffeine consumption
so i chug along
with a broken mind
i lost my identity
it has been too long
since i had a grasp
on my being
i realize we are forever
adapting and growing
but i have no ground
no safety
i walk but i feel
nothing
and everything at once
too overwhelmed
what can i do
i try this and that
maybe i belong in a cave
so that i can meditate
and briefly stop
to eat and drink.