Here

But won’t you get tired of me,
of how I am?

No, I love you so much. I love who you are.

But what if I can’t face the world for days because of how I feel, sometimes I feel broken and scared. What then? Won’t you get frustrated with me?

No, I understand, because I have been there, too. I will comfort you and protect you. I love you, so much. You are my world.

I pushed everyone away, but you. I feel lost and like I dug the hole too deep. Will I ever feel okay again?

I’m here for you. You’re beautiful, strong and confident. Don’t let your anxiety and depression speak for you, or control you. You are more than what holds you down.

I shaved my head today, I cried in the shower. I could hardly breathe and I couldn’t eat. I feel like I cannot go on.

Please, let me help you. Remember a few days ago, when you told me how strong you felt? You’re going to have bad days. That’s okay. I’ll be here to help you through it all. I will always love you.

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while amongst trees (worthy knowledge)

warm water clouded my vision
as i drove across wet pavement
hearing a recording of bird song
for the sake of pleasant sound
made my heart expand with
beaming light
sometimes it’s hard to remember
that other people truly appreciate
and want to fight for and preserve
nature’s beauty
this world, seemingly run by man
is fast-paced and consumes much
animals hit by cars, it hurts to pass
there has to be something we can do
to change our ways
for the sake of other life
trees cut down and forgotten
while another factory stands
i am most at peace while
amongst the trees
nothing can compare to the forever
changing scenery
mother nature provides
she holds my heart
and teaches me everything
worth knowing

green, floral couch

difficult to get up from
this green, floral couch,
the one I’ve studied
over and over.
the depth of each flower bud,
the burgundy towers
spiraling with emerald–
my vision heavy and fixed
while tears warm my cheeks.
I shudder.
mentally travelling
to a place far from here.
I crave to be covered
in layers of blankets
my skin grows thicker
as I age.
lately, I deny the presence
of my emotions,
I feel too much and it hurts.
even the fingerful of feelings
that I carry now
is sometimes too much,
I want to forget all.

I need to start fresh.
a rebirth.

the dim light you provided
is catching up to me
your home never felt like home.

I am searching the fields while driving,
I am searching the sky and the clouds.
I feel most fulfilled when I walk
the trails alone.

faces seem empty.
I struggle to find connection.
I question all of my actions, my behaviors.
a harsh critic, indeed.

he, kind and gentle, tells me
that I am strong.
he sits in the other room,
where I pushed him away to,
while I lie in a ball
and study this green, floral couch.

lost in chaos – purpose

he sat across the table from me
in a room filled with warm light
gentle music and soy-based food.
while gulping down our milkshakes
he said that I should finish what
I had started a few years back, so
within days I was on the phone
setting up the structure necessary
to graduate with a BFA.
a couple of years later,
my brain soggy from the many hours
of oil painting and essay writing,
I walked away with my degree.

then days passed,
months…

I have been unsure
of what steps to take next.

slight movements
some causing drastic change
but somehow never drastic enough.
I rearrange the pieces of my life
while wondering
what change will be the right change
for me

the passion that once filled
the movements my hands made
while sitting across from
a canvas
has been mostly dormant,
arriving for brief moments.

I push, believe me, I push,
just to get up and breathe
each day.

to be me, to be okay…

I am lost in chaos.
I am working on gathering the strength
needed
to feel alive enough
to continue living.

purpose.

waves of it all

he sings a summer warmth
and my mind wanders
back to my childhood
before this thick depression
dug its claws
into my life
the more awake I feel
the more broken all of it seems
so I remain in a dream world
something that I
continue to develop
in order to cope
with this strange and dreary world,
humanity.
simplicity proves beauty.
a sunrise, a sunset.
I watch for the changes
as each new season arrives.